Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize