i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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