I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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