Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
