If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
