she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
