Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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