got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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