my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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