NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize