im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
