I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
