I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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