i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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