There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
