I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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