People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
