There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
