It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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