we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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