I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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