she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
