What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
