They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
