every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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