i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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