Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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