How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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