You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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