so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
