he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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