Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Rumble strips road head = magical
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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