if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dear god my vagina.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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