he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
