i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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