Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
