you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
