i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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