I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
