Don't make out with my wife yet
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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