Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
