Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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