she was so not down for the gang bang
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
