she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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