Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
