he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Oh god it's open bar.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
