Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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