if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you will always have a special place in my vag
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize