i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
