she was so not down for the gang bang
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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