when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Randomize
