i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
