I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
