Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
