A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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