my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Randomize
