I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize