Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
