u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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